Two nights ago we caught a glimpse of what it might be like to lose a baby --
I was home with the boys. I had Matthew & Tyler snug in bed; Nathan had a bottle and fell asleep in his car seat (he sleeps in there because of his reflux.) I was on the computer in the other room and went in to answer the phone (which was by Nathan). I stepped in something wet so I turned the light on and Nathan had thrown up - puddle on the floor next to him, he was soaked and there was a puddle under him in his carseat. He has done this before so I really wasn't alarmed.
I took him out of his seat and layed him down on his back to start cleaning up the mess. He started convulsing and threw up a lot more and it covered his whole face and he gasped and sucked some of it back in. I still thought he was o.k. so I took him up to give him a bath and he seemed fine. Then he started throwing up more and more and continued to do this every few minutes. I called my husband to tell him to hurry home so he could give Nathan a blessing.
By the time Brian got home it was clear that Nathan was really struggling to breathe! He kept gagging and choking and then he started bubbling out of his mouth. We rushed him down the street to the fire station and they were so great! They immediately got him on oxygen and started checking him out. By this time Nathan was totally white and hisy feet were turning purple. I could tell they were nervous so I started to cry and was really scared that we might lose him. They took us to the e.r. in the ambulance and admitted him. Pretty soon he started breathing o.k. and his oxygen level started to rise. They did some x-rays of his chest and abdomen to make sure it wasn't something other than the reflux that was causing the vomiting. Everything looked fine and he started acting normal. They kept us for a couple of hours just to make sure that he was stable and then we went home. He was just choking on his spit up and couldn't get it cleared out.
I was so scared and the thing that scares me the most is that this could have happened in the night while we were all sleeping and I am not sure if we would have heard him. He could easily have stopped breathing if we were not awake to take care of him. He is only 3 months old and already I am so attached to him and I love him more than I can even describe. I am not sure what I would do if I were to lose a child.
I do know this - life is so precious and so fragile. We need to live EVERY DAY in such a way that we are happy with who we are and how we represent ourselves. It is not worth it to hold grudges, to have unhealthy relationships with those we love or to carry around negative thoughts about ourselves or others. We have to make sure that we always tell those we love how much we care for them and how grateful we are for them. We have to take time out of our busy lives to just sit with our children and hug and kiss them - make them really feel and know how important and how special they are to us. We have to savor the little moments and remember what we are really living for.
And... speaking of the little things - I made cookies with the boys today and I have now eaten about 10 of them (and I am off to get more).... life is for living, right?